{"id":2658,"title":"Solution 1 - Prevention Is Better Than Cure","advertisement_flag":false,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003eOut of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/107-1-out-of-country-health-budget-large-proportion-diverted\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eSolution 1\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/107-2-out-of-country-health-budget-large-proportion-diverted\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eSolution 2\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/107-3-out-of-country-health-budget-large-proportion-diverted\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eSolution 3\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/107-4-out-of-country-health-budget-large-proportion-diverted\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eSolution 4\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/107-5-out-of-country-health-budget-large-proportion-diverted\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eSolution 5\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-17T02:15:39.000Z","author_name":"Bob","tag_groups":["ielts-writing-part-2|IELTS Writing Part 2|false","ielts-writing-agree-or-disagree|IELTS Writing Agree Or Disagree|false","ielts-writing|IELTS Writing|false","ielts-academic-writing|IELTS Academic Writing|false"],"author_id":1,"slug":"107-1-out-of-country-health-budget-large-proportion-diverted","parent_id":null,"visits":2374,"likes":9,"image":null}
[]
[]
ielts-writing-part-2
[{"id":2659,"title":null,"advertisement_flag":false,"author_id":1,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003eAs reported, there have been a few recommendations from health experts to Governments on allocating budgets to educate the public to live a healthy lifestyle which can prevent people from falling ill. I totally agree with them, as it is a cost-effective way to handle public health problem confronted by most of the governments in the world. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eOne of the most important functions of governments is to maintain the public health at a relatively high level. However, the traditional pattern adopted by governments is spending a large amount of money on providing treatment, which leads to a vicious circle: the more money they invested, the worse situation it turned to be. Let's consider smoking controll programs in China. According to statistics, there are about 1.2 million of people died of lung cancer because of smoking or second-handed smoking. Merely in 2000, the cost of smoking in China has reached nearly 5 billion RMB varied from treatment expenditure and the production losses. In fact, if the government had switched its policy by providing more education programs about living a healthy life style, asking the cigarette manufactures to tag warning marks on the packaging of cigarette, forbidding smoking in public, penalizing the retailers who sell cigarette to the people under 18. Doing that, the amount of patients suffered from lung cancer would reduce significantly. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eMoreover, funding on disease prevention projects and educating the public with healthy life style would contribute to the social stability. Suffering from disease is not only money-consuming but also miserable and painful. It isn’t unusual to see people commit crimes because of money shortage which stems from highly cost of disease treatments. If Governments take action before bad situation happens, for example, raising residents’ health awareness and proving an unpolluted environment, it will prevent many people from suffering disease so as to curb the proliferation of crime. \u003c/p\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-17T02:15:39.000Z","author_name":"pipi2082","tag_groups":[],"slug":null,"parent_id":2658,"visits":0,"likes":-1,"image":null},{"id":2660,"title":null,"advertisement_flag":false,"author_id":1,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eCritique\u003c/i\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+TASK ACHIEVEMENT\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eYou were not fully able to achieve the task because you didn't say your stance whether you agree or disagree with the topic.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+LEXICAL RESOURCE\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eVocabulary is average and you need to put more effort into improving it. There were many words/phrases you used incorrectly.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+COHERENCE AND COHESION\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eParagraphs are quite organised even though you used some irrelevant examples in the third paragraph.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eCompare to the original writing.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003ePERSONAL ADVICE: \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\"healthy experts\" and \"health experts\" are completely different. \u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"healthy experts\" refers to professionals in any occupation who are physically healthy. \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\"It is reported \u003cb\u003ethat\u003c/b\u003e ... wrote ... \u003cb\u003ethat\u003c/b\u003e\" \u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eit sounds very redundant. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eNext, your introduction is quite vage since it doesn't clearly show your stance whether you agree or disagree with the topic. You only showed you agreed with the health experts. \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003ePlural: \"handle public health problem\" -\u0026gt; \"handle public health problems\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eIncomplete \"the more money been put in\" (where is the verb? which tense is it?) \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eIncomplete sentence \"Take smoking controlling in China for example\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eRight: Let's take smoking controll programs in China \u003cb\u003eas an example\u003c/b\u003e (not \u003cb\u003efor example\u003c/b\u003e) \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\"According to the report, there are about 1.2 million of people died of lung cancer ...\" \u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"the report\"??? which report? \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003ePropaganda is used for political issues. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou could lose marks for this: \"It isn’t unusual\" -\u0026gt; \"It is not unusual\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"the packing of cigarette\" is wrong. Examples of correct usage include: \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"the packaging of cigarette\" \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\"Cigarette pack\" \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"treatment\" is countable -\u0026gt; \"treatments\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"the bad situation happens\": which situation? did you mention it earlier in the essay? why are you using \"the\" there? \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou definitely have to provide a conclusion for your essay which sums up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion.\u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-17T03:11:53.000Z","author_name":"Bob","tag_groups":[],"slug":null,"parent_id":2658,"visits":0,"likes":-1,"image":null},{"id":2661,"title":null,"advertisement_flag":false,"author_id":1,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003eWriting Tips:\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/how-can-i-improve-my-writing-skills\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eHow To Improve Writing Skills\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/what-required-ielts-writing\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eWhat Is Required In IELTS Writing\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/tips-ielts-vocabulary-writing\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eTips On IELTS Vocabulary For Writing\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/how-your-ielts-essays-are-graded\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eHow Your IELTS Essays Are Graded\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-17T04:57:04.000Z","author_name":"Bob","tag_groups":[],"slug":null,"parent_id":2658,"visits":0,"likes":-1,"image":null}]
[{"id":2644,"name":"Solution 1 - Internet In Formal Education","short_content":"University lecturer is now able to put their lectures on the internet for students to read and so the importance of attending face to face lectures has ...","likes":1,"slug":"105-1-ielts-writing-university-lecturer-now-able-put-their-lectures-internet","tag_groups":["ielts-writing-part-2|IELTS Writing Part 2|false","ielts-writing|IELTS Writing|false","ielts-academic-writing|IELTS Academic Writing|false"],"image":null},{"id":2386,"name":"Solution 2 - Parents And Schools Responsibility","short_content":"Some people think that parents should teach children how to be a good member of the society. Other, however, believed that school is the place to learn ...","likes":5,"slug":"56-2-ielts-writing-task-2-parents-children-good-member-school","tag_groups":["ielts-writing-part-2|IELTS Writing Part 2|false","ielts-writing-discuss-and-give-opinion|IELTS Writing Discuss And Give Opinion|false","ielts-writing|IELTS Writing|false","ielts-academic-writing|IELTS Academic Writing|false"],"image":null},{"id":1786,"name":"At Any Time Or At Anytime","short_content":"How to use anytime, at anytime and at any time correctly?\n ...","likes":4,"slug":"any-time-or-anytime","tag_groups":["english-common-questions|English Common Questions|false","ielts-academic-writing|IELTS Academic Writing|false"],"image":null},{"id":861,"name":"Speaking Partner - jing pan","short_content":"Aim:\n\ni am a female from China, i want to find a english native speaker who want to talk with me in English\n\nAvailability:\n\nfrom 8:00P.M. to 10P.m at n ...","likes":3,"slug":"speaking-partner-jing-pan","tag_groups":["english-skills-speaking-partner|English Skills - Speaking Partner|false","ielts-academic-writing|IELTS Academic Writing|false"],"image":null},{"id":2648,"name":"Solution 1 - Happiness In Life","short_content":"Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?\n\nSolution 1\n\nSolution ...","likes":5,"slug":"106-1-happiness-considered-very-important-life-difficult-define","tag_groups":["ielts-writing-part-2|IELTS Writing Part 2|false","ielts-writing-opinion|IELTS Writing Opinion|false","ielts-writing|IELTS Writing|false","ielts-academic-writing|IELTS Academic Writing|false"],"image":null}]
main-forum
[{"id":70,"slug":"english-skills-listening","name":"English Skills - Listening","post_name":"News For English Skills - Listening"},{"id":72,"slug":"tips-learning-english","name":"Tips For Learning English","post_name":"News For Learning English"},{"id":73,"slug":"english-common-questions","name":"English Common Questions","post_name":"News For English Common Questions"},{"id":75,"slug":"ielts-speaking-part-1-samples","name":"IELTS Speaking Part 1 Samples","post_name":"News For IELTS Speaking Part 1 Samples"},{"id":76,"slug":"ielts-speaking-part-2-3-samples","name":"IELTS Speaking Part 2 \u0026 3 Samples","post_name":"News For IELTS Speaking Part 2 \u0026 3 Samples"},{"id":77,"slug":"ielts-speaking-samples-and-answers","name":"IELTS Speaking Samples And Answers","post_name":"News For IELTS Speaking Samples And Answers"},{"id":68,"slug":"ielts-listening-part-1","name":"IELTS Listening Part 1","post_name":"News For IELTS Listening Part 1"},{"id":74,"slug":"ielts-speaking-samples","name":"IELTS Speaking Samples","post_name":"News For IELTS Speaking Samples"},{"id":78,"slug":"english-skills-speaking-partner","name":"English Skills - Speaking Partner","post_name":"News For English Skills - Speaking Partner"},{"id":81,"slug":"ielts-writing-part-1-general","name":"IELTS Writing Part 1 General","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Part 1 General"},{"id":83,"slug":"ielts-writing-agree-or-disagree","name":"IELTS Writing Agree Or Disagree","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Agree Or Disagree"},{"id":84,"slug":"ielts-writing-discuss-and-give-opinion","name":"IELTS Writing Discuss And Give Opinion","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Discuss And Give Opinion"},{"id":85,"slug":"ielts-writing-opinion","name":"IELTS Writing Opinion","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Opinion"},{"id":82,"slug":"ielts-writing-part-1-academic","name":"IELTS Writing Part 1 Academic","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Part 1 Academic"},{"id":86,"slug":"ielts-writing-diagram-process","name":"IELTS Writing Diagram Process","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Diagram Process"},{"id":87,"slug":"ielts-writing-diagram-map","name":"IELTS Writing Diagram Map","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Diagram Map"},{"id":88,"slug":"ielts-writing-diagram-bar-chart","name":"IELTS Writing Diagram Bar Chart","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Diagram Bar Chart"},{"id":89,"slug":"ielts-writing-advantages-disadvantages","name":"IELTS Writing Advantages Disadvantages","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Advantages Disadvantages"},{"id":90,"slug":"ielts-writing","name":"IELTS Writing","post_name":"IELTS Writing News"},{"id":91,"slug":"ielts-listening","name":"IELTS Listening","post_name":"IELTS Listening News"},{"id":79,"slug":"ielts-writing-part-1","name":"IELTS Writing Part 1","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Part 1"},{"id":69,"slug":"ielts-listening-part-2","name":"IELTS Listening Part 2","post_name":"News For IELTS Listening Part 2"},{"id":80,"slug":"ielts-writing-part-2","name":"IELTS Writing Part 2","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Part 2"},{"id":92,"slug":"ielts-writing-graphs","name":"IELTS Writing Graphs","post_name":"News For IELTS Writing Graphs"},{"id":93,"slug":"ielts-academic-writing","name":"IELTS Academic Writing","post_name":"News For IELTS Academic Writing"}]
Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
As reported, there have been a few recommendations from health experts to Governments on allocating budgets to educate the public to live a healthy lifestyle which can prevent people from falling ill. I totally agree with them, as it is a cost-effective way to handle public health problem confronted by most of the governments in the world.
One of the most important functions of governments is to maintain the public health at a relatively high level. However, the traditional pattern adopted by governments is spending a large amount of money on providing treatment, which leads to a vicious circle: the more money they invested, the worse situation it turned to be. Let's consider smoking controll programs in China. According to statistics, there are about 1.2 million of people died of lung cancer because of smoking or second-handed smoking. Merely in 2000, the cost of smoking in China has reached nearly 5 billion RMB varied from treatment expenditure and the production losses. In fact, if the government had switched its policy by providing more education programs about living a healthy life style, asking the cigarette manufactures to tag warning marks on the packaging of cigarette, forbidding smoking in public, penalizing the retailers who sell cigarette to the people under 18. Doing that, the amount of patients suffered from lung cancer would reduce significantly.
Moreover, funding on disease prevention projects and educating the public with healthy life style would contribute to the social stability. Suffering from disease is not only money-consuming but also miserable and painful. It isn’t unusual to see people commit crimes because of money shortage which stems from highly cost of disease treatments. If Governments take action before bad situation happens, for example, raising residents’ health awareness and proving an unpolluted environment, it will prevent many people from suffering disease so as to curb the proliferation of crime.
Bob - 17/06/2012 13:11:53
Critique
+TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were not fully able to achieve the task because you didn't say your stance whether you agree or disagree with the topic.
+LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is average and you need to put more effort into improving it. There were many words/phrases you used incorrectly.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are quite organised even though you used some irrelevant examples in the third paragraph.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
PERSONAL ADVICE:
"healthy experts" and "health experts" are completely different.
"healthy experts" refers to professionals in any occupation who are physically healthy.
"It is reported that ... wrote ... that"
it sounds very redundant.
Next, your introduction is quite vage since it doesn't clearly show your stance whether you agree or disagree with the topic. You only showed you agreed with the health experts.
Plural: "handle public health problem" -> "handle public health problems"
Incomplete "the more money been put in" (where is the verb? which tense is it?)
Incomplete sentence "Take smoking controlling in China for example"
Right: Let's take smoking controll programs in China as an example (not for example)
"According to the report, there are about 1.2 million of people died of lung cancer ..."
"the report"??? which report?
Propaganda is used for political issues.
You could lose marks for this: "It isn’t unusual" -> "It is not unusual"
"the packing of cigarette" is wrong. Examples of correct usage include:
"the packaging of cigarette"
"Cigarette pack"
"treatment" is countable -> "treatments"
"the bad situation happens": which situation? did you mention it earlier in the essay? why are you using "the" there?
You definitely have to provide a conclusion for your essay which sums up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion.
