{"id":2688,"title":"Solution 1 - Children Playing Less With One Another","advertisement_flag":false,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003eNowadays, children play less with one another and this has an impact on their development. What are the reasons for this? Does it have a good or a bad effect on children?\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/111-1-ielts-writing-children-play-less-one-another-impact\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eSolution 1\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-28T01:59:52.000Z","author_name":"Bob","tag_groups":["ielts-writing-part-2|IELTS Writing Part 2|false","ielts-writing-opinion|IELTS Writing Opinion|false","ielts-writing|IELTS Writing|false","ielts-academic-writing|IELTS Academic Writing|false"],"author_id":1,"slug":"111-1-ielts-writing-children-play-less-one-another-impact","parent_id":null,"visits":1424,"likes":1,"image":null}

[{"id":2689,"title":null,"advertisement_flag":false,"author_id":1,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003eIn the prevailing scenario, it can be commonly seen all around the globe that children spend more time with gadgets and gizmos, instead of playing with their peers. There are quite a few possible reasons behind this such as technology and parent's insecurity. Many consider this attitude as a negative effect on children. However, from my understanding, it has a significant number of benefits which are discussed in the further paragraphs. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eIn order to justify my point of view, I would like to state that technology has played an indispensable role to keep children busy at their home. For instance, children in India especially in metropolitan cities spend a huge amount of time on surfing the Internet and playing play station games. With respect to that, they enhance and accentuate their intellectual skills; while acquiring more knowledge from the internet and moreover using keyboard booms the coordination and movement of fingers. Besides this, the highly sophisticated play stations encourage them to do more physical movements, thereby keeping them physically fit. Therefore, it is clear from the above example that technology is one reason through which children spend less time with each other. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eFurthermore, it is believed that the contemporary world is not a safe place for anyone. In today's busy world, parents have very less time or no time to keep an eye on their kids. Take India, for instance, mostly parents are working and children are always instructed not to go out to meet with the friends because parents know that most of the time their children learn some bad habits from their fellow age groups. Apart from this, parents feel insecure about any miss-happening with their kids such as kid-napping, as these are common in India. Thus it can be clearly seen from the example that parents also are the another reason for this behavior of children. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eHowever, some people argued that this leads to many negative effects, such as children's losing interaction, which is the base of their development. However, I am at the variance of this because children fill this gap by interacting with each other through social networking websites. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eKeeping in mind all the above, I would like to conclude that we all are living in a techno savvy world, which blessed our children with enormous websites to fulfill the physical requirements as well as intellectual ones of their body, while staying safe from the outer world.\u003c/p\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-28T01:59:52.000Z","author_name":"kailash","tag_groups":[],"slug":null,"parent_id":2688,"visits":0,"likes":-1,"image":null},{"id":2690,"title":null,"advertisement_flag":false,"author_id":1,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eCritique\u003c/i\u003e\u003c/b\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+TASK ACHIEVEMENT\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eYou were fully able to achieve the task by showing the reason for the trend and your opinion on whether it's good or bad to children.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+LEXICAL RESOURCE\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eVocabulary is good.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+COHERENCE AND COHESION\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eParagraphs are well organised.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003eCompare to the original writing.\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003ePERSONAL ADVICE: \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"Well, there are so many reasons behind this\": I'm not going to say this is wrong but it sounds more like in daily conversations. You should avoid using phrases expressing your personal feeling. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"so many reasons behind this\": Since this is the second time I checked your writing, I notice you like to use \"so many\" which is not wrong but not academic. There are various ways to express that. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhy did you use quotation in this: \u003cb\u003ereasons behind this; \"such as technology and parent's insecurity\"\u003c/b\u003e. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI couldn't find any reason for using that. \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"a negative effects on children\": is it plural or singular? \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"however, as per my notion it has a significant number ...\" should be put into a separate sentence. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eSome of my friends frequently use this phrase \"as per my notion\". However, it's not what local people actually use in Australia. I guess this happens to all languages, especially English since different countries have different accents and slangs. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"I would like to state that,technology has play an\": you shouldn't use comma here. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003ePresent Perfect: \"technology has play an indispensable role\" -\u0026gt; \"technology has played an indispensable role\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eYour writing is more like spoken English. You should avoid this because it pulls your mark down. \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"children in India especially in metropolitan cities they spend huge amount of time on surfing internet and playing play station games\": where is the subject? where is the verb? Answering these questions helps you understand why I said it's like spoken English. \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"spend huge amount of time\" -\u0026gt; \"spend a huge amount of time\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"surfing internet\" -\u0026gt; \"surfing the Internet\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eSubject Verb Agreement: \"using keyboard boom the coordination and movement of fingers\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eWrong \"the utmost busiest world\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe way you used \"because\" in \"Because parents know that most ...\" is wrong \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eExample: I didn't go to class because it was raining heavily. \u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e=\u0026gt; You need to give 2 clauses. \u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"feel insecurity\" -\u0026gt; \"feel insecure\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou shouldn't use \"the\" here because you didn't mention it earlier: \"leads to the negative effects\" \u003c/p\u003e\u003c/li\u003e\n\u003c/ul\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-28T03:36:44.000Z","author_name":"Bob","tag_groups":[],"slug":null,"parent_id":2688,"visits":0,"likes":-1,"image":null},{"id":2691,"title":null,"advertisement_flag":false,"author_id":1,"content":"\n\u003cp\u003eWriting Tips:\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/how-can-i-improve-my-writing-skills\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eHow To Improve Writing Skills\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/what-required-ielts-writing\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eWhat Is Required In IELTS Writing\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/tips-ielts-vocabulary-writing\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eTips On IELTS Vocabulary For Writing\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\n\u003cp\u003e\u003ca href=\"/d/how-your-ielts-essays-are-graded\" rel=\"nofollow\"\u003eHow Your IELTS Essays Are Graded\u003c/a\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n","created_at":"2012-06-28T03:39:23.000Z","author_name":"Bob","tag_groups":[],"slug":null,"parent_id":2688,"visits":0,"likes":-1,"image":null}]

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Solution 1 - Children Playing Less With One Another
1

Author: Bob
Updated Date 28/06/2012 11:59:52
Number of views: 1424

Nowadays, children play less with one another and this has an impact on their development. What are the reasons for this? Does it have a good or a bad effect on children?

Solution 1

In the prevailing scenario, it can be commonly seen all around the globe that children spend more time with gadgets and gizmos, instead of playing with their peers. There are quite a few possible reasons behind this such as technology and parent's insecurity. Many consider this attitude as a negative effect on children. However, from my understanding, it has a significant number of benefits which are discussed in the further paragraphs.

In order to justify my point of view, I would like to state that technology has played an indispensable role to keep children busy at their home. For instance, children in India especially in metropolitan cities spend a huge amount of time on surfing the Internet and playing play station games. With respect to that, they enhance and accentuate their intellectual skills; while acquiring more knowledge from the internet and moreover using keyboard booms the coordination and movement of fingers. Besides this, the highly sophisticated play stations encourage them to do more physical movements, thereby keeping them physically fit. Therefore, it is clear from the above example that technology is one reason through which children spend less time with each other.

Furthermore, it is believed that the contemporary world is not a safe place for anyone. In today's busy world, parents have very less time or no time to keep an eye on their kids. Take India, for instance, mostly parents are working and children are always instructed not to go out to meet with the friends because parents know that most of the time their children learn some bad habits from their fellow age groups. Apart from this, parents feel insecure about any miss-happening with their kids such as kid-napping, as these are common in India. Thus it can be clearly seen from the example that parents also are the another reason for this behavior of children.

However, some people argued that this leads to many negative effects, such as children's losing interaction, which is the base of their development. However, I am at the variance of this because children fill this gap by interacting with each other through social networking websites.

Keeping in mind all the above, I would like to conclude that we all are living in a techno savvy world, which blessed our children with enormous websites to fulfill the physical requirements as well as intellectual ones of their body, while staying safe from the outer world.

Critique

+TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were fully able to achieve the task by showing the reason for the trend and your opinion on whether it's good or bad to children.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is good.

+COHERENCE AND COHESION

Paragraphs are well organised.

+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Compare to the original writing.

PERSONAL ADVICE:

"Well, there are so many reasons behind this": I'm not going to say this is wrong but it sounds more like in daily conversations. You should avoid using phrases expressing your personal feeling.
"so many reasons behind this": Since this is the second time I checked your writing, I notice you like to use "so many" which is not wrong but not academic. There are various ways to express that.
Why did you use quotation in this: reasons behind this; "such as technology and parent's insecurity".

I couldn't find any reason for using that.

"a negative effects on children": is it plural or singular?
"however, as per my notion it has a significant number ..." should be put into a separate sentence.
Some of my friends frequently use this phrase "as per my notion". However, it's not what local people actually use in Australia. I guess this happens to all languages, especially English since different countries have different accents and slangs.
"I would like to state that,technology has play an": you shouldn't use comma here.
Present Perfect: "technology has play an indispensable role" -> "technology has played an indispensable role"
Your writing is more like spoken English. You should avoid this because it pulls your mark down.

"children in India especially in metropolitan cities they spend huge amount of time on surfing internet and playing play station games": where is the subject? where is the verb? Answering these questions helps you understand why I said it's like spoken English.

"spend huge amount of time" -> "spend a huge amount of time"
"surfing internet" -> "surfing the Internet"
Subject Verb Agreement: "using keyboard boom the coordination and movement of fingers"
Wrong "the utmost busiest world"
The way you used "because" in "Because parents know that most ..." is wrong