Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
As reported, there have been a few recommendations from health experts to Governments on allocating budgets to educate the public to live a healthy lifestyle which can prevent people from falling ill. I totally agree with them, as it is a cost-effective way to handle public health problem confronted by most of the governments in the world.
One of the most important functions of governments is to maintain the public health at a relatively high level. However, the traditional pattern adopted by governments is spending a large amount of money on providing treatment, which leads to a vicious circle: the more money they invested, the worse situation it turned to be. Let's consider smoking controll programs in China. According to statistics, there are about 1.2 million of people died of lung cancer because of smoking or second-handed smoking. Merely in 2000, the cost of smoking in China has reached nearly 5 billion RMB varied from treatment expenditure and the production losses. In fact, if the government had switched its policy by providing more education programs about living a healthy life style, asking the cigarette manufactures to tag warning marks on the packaging of cigarette, forbidding smoking in public, penalizing the retailers who sell cigarette to the people under 18. Doing that, the amount of patients suffered from lung cancer would reduce significantly.
Moreover, funding on disease prevention projects and educating the public with healthy life style would contribute to the social stability. Suffering from disease is not only money-consuming but also miserable and painful. It isn’t unusual to see people commit crimes because of money shortage which stems from highly cost of disease treatments. If Governments take action before bad situation happens, for example, raising residents’ health awareness and proving an unpolluted environment, it will prevent many people from suffering disease so as to curb the proliferation of crime.
This writing is found under the following category(ies):
Agree or Disagree
Critique
This critique is meant for the writing from
pipi2082.
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to
the original IELTS writing before correction to understand this critique!
+TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were not fully able to achieve the task because you didn't say your stance whether you agree or disagree with the topic.
+LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is average and you need to put more effort into improving it. There were many words/phrases you used incorrectly.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are quite organised even though you used some irrelevant examples in the third paragraph.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
PERSONAL ADVICE:
+ "healthy experts" and "health experts" are completely different.
> "healthy experts" refers to professionals in any occupation who are physically healthy.
+ "It is reported
that ... wrote ...
that"
> it sounds very redundant.
> Next, your introduction is quite vage since it doesn't clearly show your stance whether you agree or disagree with the topic. You only showed you agreed with the health experts.
+ Plural: "handle public health problem" -> "handle public health problems"
+ Incomplete "the more money been put in" (where is the verb? which tense is it?)
+ Incomplete sentence "Take smoking controlling in China for example"
> Right: Let's take smoking controll programs in China
as an example (not
for example)
+ "According to the report, there are about 1.2 million of people died of lung cancer ..."
> "the report"??? which report?
+ Propaganda is used for political issues.
+ You could lose marks for this: "It isn’t unusual" -> "It is not unusual"
+ "the packing of cigarette" is wrong. Examples of correct usage include:
> "the packaging of cigarette"
> "Cigarette pack"
+ "treatment" is countable -> "treatments"
+ "the bad situation happens": which situation? did you mention it earlier in the essay? why are you using "the" there?
+ You definitely have to provide a conclusion for your essay which sums up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion.
