It has been proved that smoking kills. In some countries it has been made illegal for people to smoke in all public places except in certain areas. All countries should make these rules.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Many of us know smoking is injurious to health. When a person is smoking,during inhaling nicotin is pumped into lungs, blood cells. After a period of time the blood cells become habituated to nicotin, which makes the person addicted to smoking. With excessive smoking, it can cause blood cancer or lung cancer, which can lead to death of the person. During exhaling the nicotin can be absorbed by people standing around him even though they are not smoking. Those innocent lives will also get affected. Hence, strict rules have to be applied to stop smoking in public areas.
To begin with, in some countries youngsters simply follow cinema stars in the movie industry. When watching movies, if heros smoke the ciggerete in different styles, many young people blindly follow them. After a while they will slowly become addicted. It is important that censor board should implement strict rules on those kind of activies.
Secondly, public smoking in open areas such as community centers and public grounds can cause health issues to the people who come refreshment activites like playing, walking and jogging.
Additionally, the Government should also provide awareness programs through TV, news papers about the repercussions of smoking in public places.
In summary, I feel the public smoking should be banned in all countries for the benefit of their citizens.
This writing is found under the following category(ies):
Agree or Disagree
This critique is meant for the writing from vijendhar
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were able to achieve the task by showing very clearly whether you agree or disaree with it and giving supporting examples for that.
Vocabulary is acceptable assuming some of the mistakes were just typographical errors.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are organised but very weak in expressing your ideas. Some are just too short and cannot be considered as proper paragraphs. Essentially, your conclusion was not focused enough and you should write more about the main ideas in your essay.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+ The 3rd and 4th paragraphs are too short. It leads to the feeling of incompleteness in your essay.
+ "Many of us already know" -> "Many of us know".
+ Wrong tense: "the blood cells habituated to nicotin"
+ "Those innocent lifes also get affected with them" -> "Those innocent lifes also get affected"
+ Wrong usage of "so": "so It has to be made a strict rule". You shouldn't use it to start a sentence.
+ "in a public places": single and plural at the same time.
+ "youth simply the follow the cinema stars": which one is the subject? which one is the verb?
+ "the cinema stars in the movie industry": which cinema stars? did you mention them earlier?
+ "ciggerete" -> "cigarette"
+ "imporant" -> "important"
+ "censorboard" -> "censor board"
+ "refershment" -> "refreshment"
> "After a period of time the blood cells become habituated to nicotin" -> "After a period of time, the blood cells become habituated to nicotin"
> "I feel, the public smoking should be banned" -> "I feel the public smoking should be banned" (example: I feel/think that).
+ Never use "etc .." in your essay. You can use "such as" and then list all the examples.
+ Incomplete: "who come refershment activites" -> "who come there for refreshment activites"
+ Wrong usage of the article "the": "the awareness programs"
+ Wrong "it's citizens"