Nowadays people prefer to follow sports events on TV rather than take part in sports themselves. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
In present life style, majority civilians opt to watch sports in Television and not interested to participate. Due to away from sports activities there by physical exercise, people are suffering with more health problems. This leads to so many adverse conditions.
Sports are giving good exercise to human, not only the person who works in the doors but also outdoor and physical job strained employees also needs sports to get a proper exercise. It gives you health and mental relaxation.
In urban areas, majority people are suffering with many deceases. Among them Heart attack, blood pressure and diabetes are common to everybody. By looking into the details 80% of the patients are pertains to the group of people who do not play any sports and spent their lives only by sitting either in work place or at home. It is cleared by many scientists that with minimal participation in sports one can avoid such health problems.
Due to the present life style, being an ordinary civilian spends his time either work place or at home. They do not spend any time in sports ground. It makes them more work pressure and unable to come out from the bad moods of office work tensions. So, soon they become mentally sick. This also follows social relations, as not mingling to other people not even at sports ground, left them alone in the busy life.
By considering the above said points, not participating in sports should lead any human to the negative side in ways of health, mental and social relations.
This writing is found under the following category(ies):
IELTS Opinion Essays
This critique is meant for the writing from pvrmurthy
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were able to achieve the task by showing your opinion on whether the trend is positive or negative
Vocabulary is weak and there were many phrases you used incorrectly.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are not clearly organised.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+"In present life style" is not what people often use in the context. Rather people normally use the following phrases:
>In modern life
>In today's society
+Majority is usually used as a noun and therefore, it's incorrect to use "majority civilians". Example:
>The vast majority of students did well in the exam.
>A great majority of the people are not satisfied with their salary.
+"in Tv" -> "on Tv"
+Due to + noun
Ex: Due to the reduction in salary, Peter couldn't afford a new car.
+You can make this sentence more academic: "people are suffering with more health problems."
+For the introduction, people often address what they are going to write in the essay not like this: "This leads to so many adverse conditions."
>secondly, "adverse conditions" has a different meaning.
>Moreover, the question was "Do you think this is a positive or a negative development". You also should explicitly state your side.
+Never write a paragraph with only 2 sentences "Sports are giving good ...It gives you health and mental relaxation."
+Try to reduce present continuous "Sports are giving good", "people are suffering". They are not academic.
+"suffer with many deceases": suffer diseases (don't use "with").
+"being an ordinary civilian spends his time" doesn't make sense.
>Civilians normally spend time on ...
+"By considering the above said points" is not academic.