Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent you agree or disagree?
Today, it is a world of consumerism. Advertisements have always played a key role to boost up the sales of popular consumer products. However, innovative and attractive advertisements on mass-media often happen to entice people to buy unnecessary and lavish products which can leave a bad impact on people’s economic life.
To draw an example of how advertising influences people’s way of thinking one may look at advertisements made by manufacturers of lavish cars. These cars are very expensive to buy and cannot be afforded by most people in the society; nevertheless, they are still sold well due to attractive advertisements on radio and television which often involve the voice or appearance of famous movie stars. This kind of practice is also true for other consumer products such as LCD TV, soaps, mobile phones. As a result, people fail to accumulate any savings from their earnings as they simply spend too much on buying consumer goods. The high rate of consumptions may enlarge the distance between the rich and the poor of a society which may cause detriment for the overall economy in the long run.
From the above analysis, even though the consumer goods manufacturers have rights to advertise their products , there should be rules and regulations enacted by the government so that no one can mindlessly influence general people to buy unnecessary consumer products.
This writing is found under the following category(ies):
Agree or Disagree
This critique is meant for the writing from stopwatch
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were able to achieve the task by showing your own opinions and to what extent you agree and disagree.
Vocabulary is not rich enough and sometimes used wrongly.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clearly organised.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+ "unnecessary lavish products" -> "unnecessary and lavish products"
+ Verb: "how advertising influence
people’s way of thinking" -> "how advertising influences
people’s way of thinking"
+ Firstly, you shouldn't use contraction. Secondly, you should be cautious with the way you are using "the": "the ads made by the manufacturers" -> which ads? which manufacturers?
+ You should use comma when you use "As" at the beginning. For example: As it was raining heavily, we couldn't go to school.
+ You should re-consider how to use "nevertheless". It's used to link 2 clauses and used when showing surprising details. For example:
Tom has been living in China for 10 years; nevertheless, he couldn't speak any Chinese.
> In the example, you can see "nevertheless" is used in the 2nd clause where we were showing surprising details.
> Having explained that, I also want to recommend you that you shouldn't use "anyway" where you have already used "nevertheless".
+ Try not to use "so on". It's not considered formal in writing. When you use "such as", other recipients know there are more things.
+ "expend" was incorrect in the context you were using it.
> "As a result" -> "As a result,"
+ "detrimental" is adjective. You can't use like that. You should have used "detriment".
+ You should clearly state your side whether you agree or disagree. We can see that you agree with the statement "the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold". However, it was not clearly stated in your essay.
+ "Analysing the above discussion" is not a right way to express your idea -> "From the above analysis".
+ From our experience, you'd better organise your essay in such a way that there should be 1 introduction, 3 body paragraphs, and 1 conclusion.