In many countries,the proportion of older people is steadily increasing.Does this trend have more negative effects or positive effects on society?
Due to the population ageing problem, governments are forced to take appropriate actions urgently to cope with the situation. Actually, there have been a number of fierce debates concerning this issue. However, this ageing problem has still been escalating over the past few years.
According to the recent demographic statistics from National Bureaus, the elderly population will be over 60 per cent in the next two decades. This implies a severe impact on the economy, public health services, and infrastructures. The manufacturing industry will be the one that would be affected first. Because of the lack of productive workers, the production process will not be effectively performed. However, it is not the most serious consequence. Rather, the most affected activity would be health services. It is outrageous that older people live in a facility with poor equipment and be looked after by someone without having taken training courses. There might be a fewer number of trained staff who is capable of taking care of elderly people. This will probably become one of the most common issues in the whole world.
Even though this trend is negative, elderly people certainly have made many contributions to our society. Helping their children to look after grandchildren is one of the most obvious examples. They also have significant impacts on passing down their knowledge which can assist the companies they used to work in training new staff.
To sum up, the increasing proportion of older people seems to have more negative impacts on society. However, it is also undeniable that they have a huge number of contributions to our society.
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Discuss and Give Opinion
This critique is meant for the writing from saikou999
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were not fully able to achieve the task. It's more about the trend whether it's good or bad for a society, it's not about whether elderly people are good or bad.
Vocabulary is sometimes wrongly used.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are not clearly organised.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+In your introduction, you didn't cleary state your viewpoint on "Does this trend have more negative effects or positive effects on society?".
+"government" -> "governments".
+"forced to take any appropriate action" -> "forced to take appropriate actions".
+The meaning of this "take any appropriate action to come up with solutions" is very confusing. You said they have to take actions, then again coming up with solutions. Actually, they are both quite the same in this context.
+After a period or comma, you should leave a space: ".Indeed, it has been".
+What did you mean by "it" in "it has been through some fierce debates" -> not clear.
+I believe you would want to say "the demographics from National Bureaus" not "the demographics of national bureaus". Ex: "Demographics of the United States", "Demographics of Nigeria".
+"demographics" -> "demographic statistics".
+Not clear: "ageing population will account its census proportion for over 60 per cent in two decades".
+Wrong usage of "Indeed". It is only used when you are mentioning the same idea a second time.
+No need to exaggerate things "The manufacturing industry will be the first rage group of the society". Just use normal structures and sentences to express your ideas!
+Wrong usage of "Whereas". It is used only when comparing and contrasting 2 events happenning almost at the same time. In your case, you were using it to give extra information to support similar ideas.
+In the whole essay, you used "health problems" which I guess you actually meant "health services".
+Wrong way of expressing ideas: "Despite the negative effects,older people still make contributions to our society."
>It means something different: even though older people have made negavtive impacts, they still have some contributions.
+The way you expressed your ideas in the third paragraph is very confusing.
+You should improve your ability in distinguishing subjects and verbs. Your sentence was wrong "some people might disagree that support older people is a good idea".