In the past, people used to travel to many places to see difference from their country. Now all the places around the world are getting more and more similar. What is the cause of this similarity? Do you think the advantages of this similarity overweigh the disadvantages?
It is a common phenomenon that every corner of the world we live in is becoming more similar than it used to be in the past. There are many evidences such as the wide spread of Mcdonald’ and K.F.C. and skyscrapers in every metropolitan. In this essay, I would like to give a discussion on the causes along with my own opinion about this phenomenon.
Apparently, globalization is the main reason causing this problem. As the consequences of globalization, first of all, a variety of foods have overcome geographic barriers and they are introduced to different countries and areas. As I specified above, fast food companies like Macdonald’s and K.F.C. are one of the most suitable examples. Besides, sushi and sashimi, the traditional Japanese food, are now available in many restaurants in western countries. Similarly, famous western food such as pizza and pasta can be enjoyed by many in Asian countries. Apart from the catering industry, new construction concepts have cultivated in people’s mind. For instance, temples and pagodas used to be the main icons of Asia but recently high buildings and skyscrapers have been erected up in many cities of those countries such as Tokyo and Shanghai which are very much similar to those in London and New York. Finally, the gradually resembled ideology can be the third contributing factor. For instance, a great number of people begin to celebrate Christmas Day, Valentine’s Day and even Halloween in countries where they were not used to be. All in all, we cannot reach these points without advanced modern technology, say Internet and automated manufacturing system, which also accelerating the pace of globalization.
Although globalization seemingly benefits our society and people’s lives, its negative side cannot be overlooked. The current trend of globalization has also been criticized for ignoring sustainable development and environmental concerns. Large multi-corporations build factories in different countries aiming to enlarge their profits, but it is also detrimental to local environments by gas emissions and inappropriate waste disposals. Furthermore, these corporations consume large quantity of natural resources to meet people’s demand. It is estimated by experts that fossil oil will be run out in very near future. In addition, some youngsters are so obsessed with foreign trend that they are reluctant to learn about their own cultures. As a result, they may be lost in finding their identity someday.
In sum, globalization brings us both merits and demerits. However, we cannot resist it just because it has drawbacks. It is quite obvious that there is a significant improvement in our living standards and so many people are benefiting from it. Isn’t it a sign that indicating globalization has more advantages than disadvantages?
This critique is meant for the writing from maomao
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were able to achieve the task by pointing out the reason and showing your stand on the topic.
Vocabulary is good and you have demonstrated your ability in using a wide range of vocabulary.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clearly organised.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+ "I would like to give a discussion to" -> "I would like to give a discussion on
+ Problems in meaning:
> "the world we live in is more similar". Similar to what?
> "This can be found in many facts". If they are facts, why do you need to prove?
> "Personally, globalization definitely is". When you use "personally", you mean you are not sure about something and it only represents your own thought. You then use "definitely" which means you are absolutely sure about something.
+ "the wide spreading" -> "the wide spread".
+ An example of how to use "by the effects of": Many deaths in high-altitude mountaineering have been caused by the effects of the death zone. As you can see, it should be used in a passive sentence to illustrate who/what the main cause is.
+ "As the consequences of globalization, first of all, ": you shouldn't use 2 phrases that have the same function in a sentence as such. It's not wrong but just doesn't sound right.
+ "geographic barrier" -> "geographic barriers"
+ "varieties of food has overcome"??? Please read this A variety of
+ "fast food like Macdonald’s and K.F.C. are one" -> "fast food companies"
+ "the perfect examples" doesn't make sense in that context.
+ Wrong punctuation: "sushi and sashimi, the traditional Japanese food can be eaten". For example: Peter, the chairman of the meeting, left very early.
+ "pizza and pasta can be enjoyed by Asian countries": It's not the countries which enjoy the food but the people who live there.
+ "new construction concept" -> "new construction concepts"
+ "resource" -> "resources"
I have corrected many similar mistakes. In other words, you really need to improve your ability in using plural and singular nouns properly.
+ You couldn't demonstrate your ability in using complex sentences: "some youngsters are so obsessed with foreign trend that reluctantly to know".
+ "but" cannot be used to start a sentence as you did. For example: The rain was very heavy but I still decided to go to school.