Full time university students spend most of the time studying. They should be doing other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In today’s world, a majority of prospective full-time university students are spending most of their time studying. Having said that, I completely agree they need to spend time doing other activities. This will be proven by looking at how physical wellbeing and family life are important along with education.
For one, students need to spend time on physical activities. Let us take Shanghai as an example. Students in Shanghai are well known for their higher education. This is demonstrated by the economic contribution from them to their country’s benefit. The drawback here is that these students are becoming obese by spending most of their time studying, and not doing any sports. Thus, as can be clearly seen from my example there is a need of physical exercises as well.
In addition, students need to concentrate on family relations. For instance, in America, students often traverse longer distances and live at student residences in order to commit to full-time studies. This leads to damages in their family relations. Living with family allows them to have a sense of empathy and makes them become responsible. This makes it clear why students need to indulge in other activities as well as in education.
In conclusion, after looking at how important physical health and relations are in students’ lives; it has now been proven that students need to spend time on other activities as well. Doing that gives them better health and strengthens their relationship to their families.
This critique is meant for the writing from Rocky
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were able to achieve the task by showing whether you agree or disagree with the topic.
Vocabulary is acceptable but can be improved. There were many phrases you used incorrectly.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clearly organised.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+ "majority of the prospective full-time university students" -> "a majority of prospective full-time university students".
> You should have used "a" here and it's still considered as plural.
> "the" is used only when you have previously mentioned something.
+ "As such" was wrongly used and not a formal word to be used in academic writing topics.
+ "Shown" should be replaced with "proven".
+ "how physical wellbeing and family life is" -> "how physical wellbeing and family life are".
+ Wrong usage for "to illustrate". We usually use "to illustrate + something"
+ You should stick to "students" not using both "students" and "pupils".
+ "make them a responsible person" -> "make them responsible people"
+ You are exaggerating here: "It is predicted that this continues to be followed into the foreseeable future. "