Should criminals be sent to prison or should they do something else as a punishment?
Explain your opinion and give your reasons.
How to treat criminals, put them in jail or do something else, is a tough question for people. Some people think they deserve to suffer strict punishments such as depriving of their freedom because they need to pay for what they did. The rest think they should be treated in a better way as not all criminals are bad. As for me, I cannot agree more with the view that imprisonment plays a more effective role in rehabilitating them.
According to the question specified above there are two ways to treat criminals, the first one is to send them to prison while the other is something else different from that, which I regard as not imprisoning them. Hence, here comes the problem, how to guarantee people’s safety while the law breakers are still around them. They will probably commit more crimes again. In other words, imprisonment is a good method to prevent them from approach to other people and their properties.
From psychological aspects, people naturally cannot bear to stay in a small sealed room for long because it makes them uncomfortable. The conditions in a prison are one example of that. Therefore, a prison is a harsh environment for those people against laws. At the same time, it can be used to warn them so that they will never try to do anything illegally. Moreover, it also deters potential criminals from committing crimes. As a result, crime rates can be reduced and everybody can embrace a brighter future.
From children’s upbringing aspect, sending criminals to prison makes a pieceful social atmosphere wherein children can be nurtured better without having any distractions on unhealthy information caused by those criminals such as violence and pornography on TV or on Internet. The closer they get to bad information, the higher possibility it is for them to imitate those misdeeds. As a consequence, they may become potential criminals and will cause damages to the society.
Being strict to those criminals is necessary for government. Firstly, they should be isolated from the rest of the society in the interest of a brighter future. Alternatively, education and labor jobs could play a supplementary role in this aspect.
This writing is found under the following category(ies):
IELTS Opinion Essays
This critique is meant for the writing from maomao
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were not able to achieve the task. You are supposed to give your opinion on imprisoning criminals and if you disagree, you should give your own thought on whatelse can be done instead of that. However, in the second paragraph, you were assuming imprisoning and not imprisoning which is not the case here.
Vocabulary is sufficient but not wisely used. Many are not used in an academic way.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are organised. Some transitional words were misused.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+The way you wrote the introduction was not academic: "How to treat criminals, put them in jail or do something else, is a tough question".
+Considering "How to treat ... for people. Some of them ...", you should only use "some of them" when you are mentioning a particular group of people whom you have mentioned earlier in your essay.
+"strict punishment" -> "strict punishments".
+No need to have comma here: "Some people think ... freedom, because they need to".
+"The rest think they should have treated" -> "The rest think they should be treated".
+Extremely confusing: "they should be treated in a better way as they once were kind".
+"I cannot disagree with" is somewhat like you are unable to do something.
+Wrong: "the first one is sent them to" .
+It's not about restricting criminals: "According to the question specified above there are two ways to restrict criminals".
+"What’s more": not academic.
+"simultaneously" is used when refering to 2 activities happening at the same point in time and normally in short periods of time.
+You shouldn't put "for example" at the end of a sentence because it's usually used in spoken English not in academic writing.
+Wrong usage of "therefore": "without having any distractions ... Therefore, the closer they get to the bad information".
+In the summary paragraph, never introduce new ideas "education and labor jobs could play a supplementary role".