Some people think that children should learn to compete in the world, but others think the children should be taught to cooperate so as to become more useful to society. State your reasons from both sides and give your opinion.
Childhood education is one of the hottest topics nowadays as people are becoming more aware of the importance of children's upbringing. Some people hold opinions that they should learn to be competitive enough to embrace their future life while others think they should have been gregarious. In this essay, I am going to discuss both sides.
Firstly, people have been competing with each other consciously or unconsciously since they were born. For example, businessmen strive for more efficient ways of production to save cost and increase profits; students work diligently for more opportunities to get top grades or to be able to enter well-known universities; parents spur their children to be outstanding among their peers and every one of us is eager for success or a relatively good standard of living conditions. Moreover, in order to get a good job with high salary and social status, people have to become more competent. It is a common phenomenon that many applicants compete for one position in job markets. Hence, the lesson from the observation is that teaching people how to compete at a young age is of high importance.
On the other hand, children also need to cooperate with others. The society where we live is a huge family that contains everyone’s contribution. In other words, it is not a platform for a single person. Speaking of, for instance, filmmaking, money exchanging, products circulation and international trade, there is undoubtedly a need for a variety of people in order to make them run properly. Hence, children need to be taught how to share and cooperate with other people as they live in the family. Cooperation is also a way to make things easier and more effective with everyone’s participation and contribution. For example, management board in a company is usually made up by more than one person.
In conclusion, children should become more competitive and at the same time they need to learn how to cooperate with others as both sides will bring merits to them.
This writing is found under the following category(ies):
Discuss and Give Opinion
This critique is meant for the writing from maomao
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were able to achieve the task. There are 3 key requirements in this writing topic which have been fulfilled :
>why children should be taught to cooperate.
>why children should be taught to compete.
>and what your opinions about this are.
Vocabulary is good and you have demonstrated your ability in using a wide range of vocabulary.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are clearly organised.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+Since this is the second time you submitted your writing tasks for correction, we have noticed from the first writing task that you like to start your essay with "How to ...". There is nothing wrong with that but if you can change it to the way we have fixed for you, you could gain more marks.
+"hold opinion" -> "hold opinions".
+"give discussion" -> "give a discussion on something".
+"workers strive for a large scale of production": it's not the workers who aim for profit but the businessmen.
+"a key university": is it only one?
+In this context, you should use "Moreover": "Besides, to process a decent job".
+"become + adj"
Ex: She has become stronger since she started jogging.
+I believe you wanted to say "possess" here: "to process a decent job so that".
+If you want to use this "with globalization spread all over the world", you should have written "with globalization spreading all over the world".
+This sentence is not very clear "many applicants compete for one position in job markets with globalization spread all over the world which indicates": I couldn't see what the reason behind for the relationship between globalisation spreading ... with the fact that young people should study to compete is. You can just remove some details there as we corrected.
+"On the other sides" -> "On the other side".
+"Making films, money exchanging, products circulation and international trade all need varieties": money exchanging is a process which has people involved.