The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph compares percentages of population of people with the age of 65 and over in Japan, Sweden, and the USA between 1940 and 2040. It can be clearly seen that there are upward trends in the number of people in all of the countries during that period.
As we can see, the proportion of elderly people was the highest in the USA with 8%, and the least in Japan, which was %5 of all the Japanese population, in 1940.
On the other hand, in the next century (2040), it is predicted that the proportion of elderly people in the USA will reversely be the least, with 23% of the total population, and Japan will the country with the highest population of senior people. Sweden stood at the middle in both 1940 and 2040 with the population of people aged 65 and over of 7% and 25% respectively.
In conclusion, the percentages of people in the age range in these three countries are significantly rising from 1940 to 2040.
This critique is meant for the writing from mojtabakh640
This writing task has been reviewed and partially corrected.
Please revert to the original IELTS writing before correction
to understand this critique!
You were able to achieve the task by summarising the key ideas.
Vocabulary is not good and you have not demonstrated your ability in using a wide range of vocabulary.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
You should improve your essay's structure.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+ "with 65 age" is wrong -> "with the age of 65 and over."
+ "in 3 Asian, European, and American (Japan, Sweden, and USA respectively)" is wrong.
We can understand you wanted to say the continents in which the countries are located but it's not what people normally use.
+ "this years" is wrong: this is for singular nouns and "years" is plural.
+ "upward trends in changes of the number" is repeating the idea
> "upward trends" already means changes
> then you use "in changes" -> wrong.
+ "the people aged 65 and over are the most in USA" doesn't sound right.
> the people are ... : when you are giving definition but actually you mean the proportion.
> you were talking about 1940 so you shouldn't have used "are".
+ "On the other hand, according to the graph," is grammatically correct but sounds odd.
> You should use one of them not both.
+ "the 65 age and over people in USA reversely will the least" is not a complete sentence.
> "will the least" is wrong: after "will", you should use a bare infinitive. For example: you will be
my best friend.
+ You should have used "the USA" instead of only "USA".
+ "with the 23%" is wrong
> with 23% of the total population.
+ "both in 1940 and 2040" is inappropriate.
> if you want to use "in" after "both", you should write "both in 1940 and in 2040".
> or you can write: "in both 1940 and 2040".
+ "the amount of 65 age and over individuals" is totally wrong.
> "the amount" is only used for uncountable nouns such as water or sugar.
> "individuals" is a countable word here.
+ "they are increasing from the least to the most in Japan" is not correct.
+ "the most" should be accompanied by an adjective normally.
+ You should use less parentheses.