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IELTS Writing Correction

Author: mojtabakh640

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The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant.

This is a writing submitted by mojtabakh640 for a free review. Please submit your writing at IELTS Writing Correction for a free review.

Original writing:
The graph compares percentages of population of people with 65 age or over in 3 Asian, European, and American (Japan, Sweden, and USA respectively) between 1940 and 2040. It can be clearly seen that there are upward trends in changes of the number of people in mentioned age in this years.

As we can see from the illustration, the people aged 65 and over are the most in USA (%8), and the least in Japan, which are %5 of all population, in 1940. On the other hand, according to the graph, over the next century (2040), it is predicted that the 65 age and over people in USA reversely will the least, with the 23% of all the population, and the Japanese people (27%) will contain the most people in all of these countries in 2040. Swedish people are the middle country both in 1940 and 2040 (7% and 25% respectively).

In conclusion, it should be said that the amount of 65 age and over individuals in these three countries is rising between 1940 and 2040 and they are increasing from the least to the most in Japan.

This writing has also been posted at IELTS Writing Sample. There might be an improved version of the writing there so please visit IELTS Writing Sample.

You were able to achieve the task by summarising the key ideas.

Vocabulary is not good and you have not demonstrated your ability in using a wide range of vocabulary.

You should improve your essay's structure.

Compare to the original writing.

+ "with 65 age" is wrong -> "with the age of 65 and over."
+ "in 3 Asian, European, and American (Japan, Sweden, and USA respectively)" is wrong.
We can understand you wanted to say the continents in which the countries are located but it's not what people normally use.
+ "this years" is wrong: this is for singular nouns and "years" is plural.
+ "upward trends in changes of the number" is repeating the idea
> "upward trends" already means changes
> then you use "in changes" -> wrong.
+ "the people aged 65 and over are the most in USA" doesn't sound right.
> the people are ... : when you are giving definition but actually you mean the proportion.
> you were talking about 1940 so you shouldn't have used "are".
+ "On the other hand, according to the graph," is grammatically correct but sounds odd.
> You should use one of them not both.
+ "the 65 age and over people in USA reversely will the least" is not a complete sentence.
> "will the least" is wrong: after "will", you should use a bare infinitive. For example: you will be my best friend.
+ You should have used "the USA" instead of only "USA".
+ "with the 23%" is wrong
> with 23% of the total population.
+ "both in 1940 and 2040" is inappropriate.
> if you want to use "in" after "both", you should write "both in 1940 and in 2040".
> or you can write: "in both 1940 and 2040".
+ "the amount of 65 age and over individuals" is totally wrong.
> "the amount" is only used for uncountable nouns such as water or sugar.
> "individuals" is a countable word here.
+ "they are increasing from the least to the most in Japan" is not correct.
+ "the most" should be accompanied by an adjective normally.
+ You should use less parentheses.

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IELTS Writing Sample

Mandatory Financial Education

IELTS Writing Sample - Task 2

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Go To Sample

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We are updating this writing outline. Please come back later!

IELTS Writing Word Count and IELTS Writing Time

IELTS Writing Task 1:
Timing: 20 minutes
Minimum word count: 150

IELTS Writing Task 2:
Timing: 40 minutes
Minimum word count: 250

IELTS Writing Sample - Task 1

There are 2 different formats. One is for the Academic module and the other is for the General module. However, for both modules, you will have to produce a writing of 150 words based on the given information.
IELTS Writing Task 1 - General Module
You are supposed to write a letter.
IELTS Writing Task 1 - Academic Module
You will be given a task based on some pictorial or graphic information. You have to describe the information provided.
For More Details: IELTS Writing Task 1

IELTS Writing Sample - Task 2

This task is more difficult than IELTS Writing Task 1
You have to write at least 250 words and, as Task 2 is longer than Task 1, you are advised to spend approximately 40 minutes on this task and 20 minutes on the first task.
You are expected to produce a writing on a given topic and to organise your answer correctly, giving some examples to support your ideas.
For More Details: IELTS Writing Task 2

Give your writing a good structure

1) Introduction is a must. You don't believe you could get a good grade without introduction, do you?

2) Body: 3 paragraphs are also necessary. Three is a magical number. It can do wonders to your overall band score.

3) Conclusion. You do not want to infuse your examiner with a feeling of incompleteness.

A Good Outline before you write is essential

What you are going to write in your essay? Write down the key ideas as short as possible.

An outline sample
Introduction - Topic and opinion in short
Paragraph 1 - staff working conditions are important
Paragraph 2 - employers should research and improve the working conditions
Paragraph 3 - concentrating more on their product is bad
Conclusion - Short summary of paragraphs

How will your essay look like?

Is it everything?

No, the structure you have just seen is a structure for an opinion essay.

What does it mean?

It means there are many different types of essays. If you go through our website, you can see that under IELTS Writing Task 1 and Task 2, there are different categories.
You need to go through each of them and study the structure for the particular writing type.

I do know the structure of an IELTS Writing but why I didn't score high in the exam?

There are many reasons. One of the many reasons is lacking of linking words.
Did you use linking words?
They would make your structure clearer and therefore improve your overal score.

Linking Words or Transitional Words

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This is how your essay is graded

There are 4 components: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Task Response means to what extend your essay covers the topic. For example, if the topic is "The advantages and disadvantages of globalization", you would have to write about both aspects not just only advantages or just only disadvantages.

Coherence and Cohesion means how well your paragraphs and sentences are connected. If your first paragraph is about advantages of globalisation, you should start your second paragraph with phrases such as "Despite the advantages, there are many disadvantages we should be aware of". Otherwise, your essay is just a list of items which are not related to each other.

Lexical Resource means vocabulary and different types of sentences, simple and complex. You should be able to demonstrate your capability in using English.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy means spelling and grammar of sentences. You should be able to spell the words correctly, do not forget articles “a” and “the”, punctuations is also important.

One more important thing to know: the four criteria are equally weighted. It means that if you forgot about “Coherence and Cohesion” in your essay, you will loose 1/4 of your essay points.