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IELTS Writing Correction

Author: maomao

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Should criminals be sent to prison or should they do something else as a punishment? Explain your opinion and give your reasons

This is a writing submitted by maomao for a free review. Please submit your writing at IELTS Writing Correction for a free review.

Original writing:
How to treat criminals, put them in jail or do something else, is a tough question for people. Some of them think they deserve to suffer strict punishment such as depriving of their freedom, because they need to pay for what they did. The rest think they should have treated in a better way as they once were kind. As for me, I cannot disagree with the view that imprisonment plays a more effective role to rehabilitate them. According to the question identified above there are two ways to restrict criminals, the first one is sent them to prison while the other is do something else, which I regard as don’t imprison them. Hence, here comes the problem, how to guarantee people’s safety while the law breakers are still around them. They will probably spoil people’s interests again. In other words, imprisonment is a good method to prevent them from getting approach to people and people’s property. From the psychological aspects, people naturally cannot bear to stay in a small sealed room for long because it makes them uncomfortable and the situations in prison correspond with all the factors mentioned above. Therefore, prison provides a harsh environment for those people against laws simultaneously warns them don’t ever try to do anything illegally. What’s more, it also deters potential criminals from committing crimes. As a result, crime rate decreased and all the people can embrace a brighter future. From children’s upbringing aspect, sending criminals to prison makes a round social atmosphere, where children can better fulfill themselves without having any distractions on unhealthy information caused by those criminals, violence and pornography on TV or on Internet for example. Therefore, the closer they get to the bad information, the higher possibility for them to imitate those misdeeds. As a consequence, they may become the potential criminals and will cause damage to the society. Being strict to those criminals is necessary for government. It is first-noted to isolate them apart from the rest people in terms of a brighter future. The other methods for instance, education and labor could play a supplementary role in this aspect.

This writing has also been posted at IELTS Writing Sample. There might be an improved version of the writing there so please visit IELTS Writing Sample.

Critique
+TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were not able to achieve the task. You are supposed to give your opinion on imprisoning criminals and if you disagree, you should give your own thought on whatelse can be done instead of that. However, in the second paragraph, you were assuming imprisoning and not imprisoning which is not the case here.

+LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is sufficient but not wisely used. Many are not used in an academic way.

+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are organised. Some transitional words were misused.

+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.

PERSONAL ADVICE
+The way you wrote the introduction was not academic: "How to treat criminals, put them in jail or do something else, is a tough question".
+Considering "How to treat ... for people. Some of them ...", you should only use "some of them" when you are mentioning a particular group of people whom you have mentioned earlier in your essay.
+"strict punishment" -> "strict punishments".
+No need to have comma here: "Some people think ... freedom, because they need to".
+"The rest think they should have treated" -> "The rest think they should be treated".
+Extremely confusing: "they should be treated in a better way as they once were kind".
+"I cannot disagree with" is somewhat like you are unable to do something.
+Wrong: "the first one is sent them to" .
+It's not about restricting criminals: "According to the question specified above there are two ways to restrict criminals".
+"What’s more": not academic.
+"simultaneously" is used when refering to 2 activities happening at the same point in time and normally in short periods of time.
+You shouldn't put "for example" at the end of a sentence because it's usually used in spoken English not in academic writing.
+Wrong usage of "therefore": "without having any distractions ... Therefore, the closer they get to the bad information".
+In the summary paragraph, never introduce new ideas "education and labor jobs could play a supplementary role".



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IELTS Writing Sample

Mandatory Financial Education

IELTS Writing Sample - Task 2

Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Go To Sample

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We are updating this writing outline. Please come back later!

IELTS Writing Word Count and IELTS Writing Time

IELTS Writing Task 1:
Timing: 20 minutes
Minimum word count: 150

IELTS Writing Task 2:
Timing: 40 minutes
Minimum word count: 250

IELTS Writing Sample - Task 1

There are 2 different formats. One is for the Academic module and the other is for the General module. However, for both modules, you will have to produce a writing of 150 words based on the given information.
IELTS Writing Task 1 - General Module
You are supposed to write a letter.
IELTS Writing Task 1 - Academic Module
You will be given a task based on some pictorial or graphic information. You have to describe the information provided.
For More Details: IELTS Writing Task 1

IELTS Writing Sample - Task 2

This task is more difficult than IELTS Writing Task 1
You have to write at least 250 words and, as Task 2 is longer than Task 1, you are advised to spend approximately 40 minutes on this task and 20 minutes on the first task.
You are expected to produce a writing on a given topic and to organise your answer correctly, giving some examples to support your ideas.
For More Details: IELTS Writing Task 2

Give your writing a good structure

1) Introduction is a must. You don't believe you could get a good grade without introduction, do you?

2) Body: 3 paragraphs are also necessary. Three is a magical number. It can do wonders to your overall band score.

3) Conclusion. You do not want to infuse your examiner with a feeling of incompleteness.

A Good Outline before you write is essential

What you are going to write in your essay? Write down the key ideas as short as possible.

An outline sample
Introduction - Topic and opinion in short
Paragraph 1 - staff working conditions are important
Paragraph 2 - employers should research and improve the working conditions
Paragraph 3 - concentrating more on their product is bad
Conclusion - Short summary of paragraphs

How will your essay look like?

Is it everything?

No, the structure you have just seen is a structure for an opinion essay.

What does it mean?

It means there are many different types of essays. If you go through our website, you can see that under IELTS Writing Task 1 and Task 2, there are different categories.
You need to go through each of them and study the structure for the particular writing type.

I do know the structure of an IELTS Writing but why I didn't score high in the exam?

There are many reasons. One of the many reasons is lacking of linking words.
Did you use linking words?
They would make your structure clearer and therefore improve your overal score.

Linking Words or Transitional Words

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We do understand for those who are gonna take the IELTS exam, improving IELTS skills is a very important but difficult task.
We have been trying to provide the best services. However there are many more features we are still implementing. Therefore, it will take some time to finish everything with excellent services.
Please go to the category "IELTS Preparation" for more tips and advice!

This is how your essay is graded

There are 4 components: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Task Response means to what extend your essay covers the topic. For example, if the topic is "The advantages and disadvantages of globalization", you would have to write about both aspects not just only advantages or just only disadvantages.

Coherence and Cohesion means how well your paragraphs and sentences are connected. If your first paragraph is about advantages of globalisation, you should start your second paragraph with phrases such as "Despite the advantages, there are many disadvantages we should be aware of". Otherwise, your essay is just a list of items which are not related to each other.

Lexical Resource means vocabulary and different types of sentences, simple and complex. You should be able to demonstrate your capability in using English.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy means spelling and grammar of sentences. You should be able to spell the words correctly, do not forget articles “a” and “the”, punctuations is also important.

One more important thing to know: the four criteria are equally weighted. It means that if you forgot about “Coherence and Cohesion” in your essay, you will loose 1/4 of your essay points.