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Should criminals be sent to prison or should they do something else as a punishment? Explain your opinion and give your reasons
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You were not able to achieve the task. You are supposed to give your opinion on imprisoning criminals and if you disagree, you should give your own thought on whatelse can be done instead of that. However, in the second paragraph, you were assuming imprisoning and not imprisoning which is not the case here.
Vocabulary is sufficient but not wisely used. Many are not used in an academic way.
+COHERENCE AND COHESION
Paragraphs are organised. Some transitional words were misused.
+GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Compare to the original writing.
+The way you wrote the introduction was not academic: "How to treat criminals, put them in jail or do something else, is a tough question".
+Considering "How to treat ... for people. Some of them ...", you should only use "some of them" when you are mentioning a particular group of people whom you have mentioned earlier in your essay.
+"strict punishment" -> "strict punishments".
+No need to have comma here: "Some people think ... freedom, because they need to".
+"The rest think they should have treated" -> "The rest think they should be treated".
+Extremely confusing: "they should be treated in a better way as they once were kind".
+"I cannot disagree with" is somewhat like you are unable to do something.
+Wrong: "the first one is sent them to" .
+It's not about restricting criminals: "According to the question specified above there are two ways to restrict criminals".
+"What’s more": not academic.
+"simultaneously" is used when refering to 2 activities happening at the same point in time and normally in short periods of time.
+You shouldn't put "for example" at the end of a sentence because it's usually used in spoken English not in academic writing.
+Wrong usage of "therefore": "without having any distractions ... Therefore, the closer they get to the bad information".
+In the summary paragraph, never introduce new ideas "education and labor jobs could play a supplementary role".
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